Why Do We Keep Doing What We Know Doesn't Work?
Have you ever caught yourself doing the same thing over and over again, even though you know it’s not the right thing to do? You’ve told yourself a thousand times: This isn’t working. I need to stop. And yet, when the moment comes, the pattern repeats itself.
You’re not alone. We all do it.
Sometimes, I want control over something that is completely out of my control. And when I can’t get it, it drives me insane. I end up blaming others, looking for reasons why things aren’t working. But the truth? It often comes down to me—my own fears, my own reactions, my own patterns.
A Common Struggle
Think about a simple example: You prepare a new meal for your child, hoping that today will be different. But the second the plate is placed in front of them, they push it away. “I don’t like this,” they declare, even though they haven’t taken a single bite. You know that forcing them won’t work, that pressuring them will only make them more resistant. But frustration builds. “Just try it,” you plead. “You have to eat something.” Before you know it, you’re locked in a battle you swore you wouldn’t have again.
Later, you feel guilty. You tell yourself you’ll handle it differently next time. But when the moment comes again, the same reaction plays out. Why? Because emotions are powerful. They override logic. And unless we become deeply aware of our own patterns, we stay stuck in them.
Or maybe it’s picky eating. Your child refuses to even look at the food you spent time preparing. You know that pressuring them won’t help, that bribing them with dessert will only reinforce their resistance. But the frustration builds, and before you know it, you’re saying, “Just take one bite! You have to eat this.” The battle begins, and mealtime turns into yet another stressful, exhausting standoff.
Understanding Your Triggers
What has helped me is understanding myself. Recognizing my own patterns. Noticing what happens in my body, in my mind, when I feel triggered—when I start to slip into those automatic, unhelpful reactions.
The Thought Patterns That Trap Me:
- Black or white thinking – “This always happens.” “I’ll never get this right.”
- You vs. me thinking (This one really gets me.) – Instead of focusing on us versus the problem, I blame: “If you just did this…” “I do more than you…”
- Mental filtering – “This will never happen for me.” “Everyone else has it easier.”
- Comparing – “See? Everyone else does it. Why can’t you?” “I want you to be like this.”
How My Body Reacts:
- My face feels hot.
- My chest and throat get tight.
- My breathing speeds up.
- My jaw clenches.
And you might think, Wow, that’s kind of toxic. And you know what? You’re right. These thoughts can lead to toxic behaviors. But here’s the thing—I’m learning to control these thoughts and ultimately, control my actions. With every mistake, I learn more about myself. And the more I understand myself, the more I can change.
Breaking the Cycle
I know how hard it is to do what, deep down in your gut, you know is right. Because emotions are messy. They hijack logic. And change isn’t about flipping a switch—it’s about small, intentional shifts.
So the next time you feel yourself slipping into an old pattern, pause. Notice what’s happening in your body. Listen to the thoughts racing through your mind. You don’t have to get it perfect—you just have to notice. Awareness is the first step to breaking the cycle.
And if you mess up? That’s okay. Learning happens in the mistakes.
You’re not stuck. You’re growing.
We’ve written a journal prompt for parents to start breaking these chains and truly see a change. A growth. A sense of calm. Yes, your child is picky, and yes, your child can and will change. But oftentimes, the biggest thing we can do is look deep within ourselves.